Mr. Right

I'll admit when I first began mulling over my next blog topic, what you're about to read isn't it. I sat down at my computer will every intention to write about getting ready for summer project  and about how excited I am and about how I'm still lacking in funds and would really appreciate people's prayers or money and "woe is me but God will provide." Sorry for the run-on sentence just trying to get the point across. It would have been long and drawn out and not really told you anything about how I was really actually doing.

Cause truth is none of those other things in that run-on sentence matter cause me and Mr. Right aren't on the best of terms right now. We've gone through the knockdown drag out scream and fight stage. We're passed the broken and sobbing on the bathroom floor stage. So now we're stuck in the middle of the frozen hopeless tundra of "I'm not talking to you" and ignore it so maybe it'll just go away stage. All of these stages are deeply painful in their own way. I feel like I've constantly had my heart re-ripped from my chest each time I transitioned from one stage to the next. Just when I think I've healed, the knife plunges in again and I'm gripped the worst imaginable pain. Until now it has seemed a cycle with no end in sight, but tonight I spent a lot of time thinking through the past couple months and I've come to some astonishing conclusions.

There are two big things that I've realized from all of it. First of all, that most if not all of this is my fault. I did this. I messed up; I messed up everything. I set the things in motion that have brought us to this place - this awful hopeless place we are now. Secondly I realize that all the different stages I previously mentioned, yea I went through them alone. You never yelled, cried or ignored me. I just did all that to you. You just stood their with your arms wide open, proclaiming your unfailing love for me! Love that stretches farther than east is from the west, is deeper than any depth of the sea, and longer than any span of time.

In case you haven't guessed by now the Mr. Right I'm talking about is no boy here on Earth but my heavenly Father. I'm so tired of fighting with him about the same old things. The same fears and frustrations that keep me bogged down. I want to let them go but the devil keeps throwing them right back in my face. Just when I think I'm doing alright and am making progress in healing those fears and frustrations pop back up knocking me off my feet once again to the point where I almost no longer want to get up and keep going. Wouldn't it be easier to just lay here, curl up in a ball, and cry? Yes it would, but it's not what I'm going to do. I can't if do that then the devil wins - he gets the victory over my soul - I'd be useless for Christ. I have to keep pushing onward, running after Christ and never give up. Psalm 37:23-24 says "The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and He delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the LORD upholdeth him with His hand." So though I may fail and may fall, I will continue to rise again not in my own strength but in His. The creator of heaven and earth is with me at all times. I realize now I've been trying to do this in my own strength but I can't it just doesn't work that way. Without God, I fail! With God I can do all things! So though my heart my still hurts and I don't fully understand I'm trusting that he knows best because He is God and His way is the right way. He is my Mr. Right - for now and forever. So for all you girls who worry about finding your Mr. Right or if you're obsessing over your Mr. Right Now. I plead with you to focus on the one who loves you more than anyone else. Who gave His life to know you and gives you  hope in this promise.

Alcohol, Cigarettes, and Jesus

Which one of these is not like the other? Clearly most of you would say Jesus certainly doesn't belong grouped with such things as alcohol and cigarettes because those are "bad" things and Jesus is too good for them. Yet in both Matthew 11:19 and Luke 7:34 it says "The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.’" When Jesus was here on this earth he was reaching out to the people who needed Him the most. He was around them, caring and loving for them to the point that the people began to think He too was a glutton and a drunkard like the people he associated with. God did not see himself above these things but went down and met these people where they were so that He might restore them to a better place. It's such a beautiful picture to see how God uses things like this to work together for His good.

In case you didn't know, I co-lead the Prayer Team for Campus Crusade for Christ at State and since doing this I have just been blown away by God. Seeing Him answer prayer requests and move in people's lives. It's just been truly phenomenal! Last night we had our last prayer and praise night of the semester. Prayer and praise is one of my favorite events we as prayer team do because its just a sweet time of fellowship, worship, and prayer. It's typically held in the Court of Carolinas but we decided to try and do it in the Brickyard instead this time. Let me just say I'm so thankful to God that we moved it. Lots of people saw us out there and a few paused to listen a little bit as we were singing and then the greatest thing of all. We had two guys who were in the library studying come out and join us. They heard our singing and were just clearly drawn by the Holy Spirit to come meet with us. They came right as we were beginning to share about what Jesus has been doing in our life and it was amazing to hear everyone's stories, but I was especially touched by the two strangers who came and shared.

The first guy told of how he had really been struggling and how one night he was at a bar drinking and just prayed God please send someone to me so that I can talk about this stuff. Not too much longer and a guy came up to the bar ordered a drink, saw him sitting there by himself and invited him to come join him and his friends. When he joined them, they were talking about Jesus and how awesome he had been in their lives. They invited him to come with them to Summit and now he regularly attends and is receiving constant encouragement through the Word and his fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. God was able to use that depressing situation in the bar over a drink to turn this guy's life around. What a sweet reminder that no situation or circumstance is too much or too little for our all-powerful God.

The second guy told of us how he was studying for his dental boards in the library and came outside really just to smoke a cigarette to try and calm his nerves. He had apparently watched us for a little while but then just felt drawn to come and join us. Originally from Egypt he told of us how God protected him and allowed him to come to America right before all the violence in Egypt started and how God has also been faithful in keeping his family safe while they are still over in Egypt.

Both of these stories are just echo the promises we are given in scripture like in Psalm 91:15 which says: "He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." The Lord loves us and does not wish for harm to befall us and even when things seem to be unraveling He is always there right beside us. I leave you with this bit of hope from Romans!

Please stop raining on my parade

The list of things that I have been blessed with and that have brought me joy in the last few months is no joke a mile long. When the semester first started I realized that my bank account was dipping rather low and I was absolutely terrified about how I was going to pay bills, buy groceries or afford the ever rising gas prices? So I started job-hunting and after a few weeks the Lord blessed me with my job at Rugged Wearhouse. It's been an interesting time to try and balance it with school and social stuff but they have been really great at helping work around my school schedule. I'm not a huge fan of retail but it has definitely been interesting and learning experience.

I had recently been struggling to figure out what my future plans for after graduation are. Part of me wants to pursue full-time ministry with Crusade and the other part of me wants to go into Child Life. I love both fields and both allow me to work with people who need to be shown love. I had also been struggling in whether I wanted to do a double major or a major/minor which was partly from the unknown of working in Child Life or with Crusade since getting a double major would cause me to stay an extra semester. Luckily after much soul-searching, praying, and seeking out others advice I decided to take the extra semester and get a double major. Once this was decided and I got the support of my mom and adviser I felt as if this huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I know for a fact that God's gonna work it all out in his time.

God has truly just been so wonderful in showering me with his grace and love. He has been providing for me financially  in support raising for summer project. People have been extremely generous in their giving and I know that it's truly just been God working in their hearts and nothing that I have done. I'm so excited to get down to Disney and see the Lord continue to work in the hearts and lives of people. A part of me feels guilty though because a part of is longing for my trip to Disney to get here so soon because I'm desperately longing to get away from the one area of my life that can't seem to work itself out. Which brings me to the entire point of this blog post. This one thing that I can't fix and no matter how much I've prayed about it, it just seems to get worse.

I've tried so hard to let go and just really let God work in the situation but it seems to be constantly thrown in my face again and again. I've tried to work things out only to be shut down and ignored. I've tried not caring... that just left me more frustrated. I tried forgetting... it just made me remember more and more. I've tried giving space but that just hurts and feels like my heart is constantly breaking. I've been praying for God to work things out but I'm just feeling more abandoned and discouraged. This one thing keeps disrupting my happiness and robbing me of my joy from the other blessings God has given me and I'm tired of it. I want to be happy and find my joy in the Lord but this is just weighing me down majorly and so now I feel like my only option is for it to go away. To completely remove myself from the situation and immerse myself completely in God. My mind keeps wandering back to think through the situation over and over again and then I make myself upset and beat myself up for it over and over again and really just want it to be done with. I want sunshine but I'm feeling like I'm stuck in the rain...

Two Months....

Say what??? No but really. Two months. or 61 days. However you wanna think about it, that's how long I have til I'm on the road to Disney World. I'll be spending 10 weeks in the happiest place on Earth sharing the good news of the gospel with the people I meet there. I'll be on summer project with Cru and am so excited to be trained more in depth about sharing my faith and meeting new brothers and sisters in Christ from all across the US. We are literally coming from all across America so I pray that we will all have safe travels as there is a large number of us driving. This will be my second road trip down to Florida this year (since I went to Panama City Beach, Florida for spring break). There's been a lot of posting in our WDWSP2012 group on Facebook already that I am already getting to know people and can't wait to meet them in person and really getting to know them.

At this point I would greatly appreciate all the prayers I could get. Support raising is a lot harder and definitely more work than I originally anticipated, but all the more rewarding. God has already worked in so many different ways, I have shed countless tears in the past couple weeks - most of which have been from pure elation from seeing God move. Look forward to my next post as I share about how God's really been proving himself to me again and again that he will provide.

Sweet Sixteen :)

No I'm not talking about my birthday or anyone else's for that matter. It's March and therefore we are in the middle of March Madness! Now I'm not a huge basketball fan, I'd much rather watch a football or baseball game but I am a huge NC State fan and we made it to the "sweet sixteen" round in the NCAA. This is huge for us since most people didn't even think we would make it to the NCAA at all. The fact that we were the last team announced didn't help that matter either. But regardless. We did it. We took on San Diego State University and beat them. Then we beat out Georgetown for our spot in the Sweet Sixteen. This Friday we're taking on Number 2 ranked Kansas for our shot at the Elite 8! Praying the boys keep it up and keep fighting hard to win!

I'm really surprised right now cause this is the first year I've ever done a bracket for March Madness and I've guess I've got beginners luck cause I'm doing pretty well! I made my picks based off names I liked and states I didn't like and so far it's done me pretty well. Duke losing in the first round hurt my bracket slightly cause I had them going to the championship but oh well! It's been a fun run! I'll always be a Wolfpack fan first and foremost anyways! Besides I really just want State to get the chance to play UNC again. I mean 5th times the charm right? :)

Doors...

Waiting... it's not something that I'm good at. In fact, I'm not a patient person and anyone who knows me well would tell you this. I hate waiting in line, hate waiting on others, and just in general hate waiting. Yet, regardless of how much I hate it, it seems that it's all God wants me to do lately. It seems that everywhere I turn doors are being shut in my face and I'm being told no, not now. At this point I'm beyond frustrated. I've been pouring out my heart to God and I am continually being turned down. I took a leap of faith and now I'm falling. It seems like everything I do is wrong... 

I've been constantly wrestling with this. This rejection, this defeat, this disappointment, it's tearing me apart from the inside out. I'm free falling and absolutely scared to death. It's way too much for me to bear on my own. So I'm letting go. I have to give it completely to God and just not look back. His plan is far greater than my own and so with that I let go. I just have to accept that for now I'm free-falling - without any real direction - and for now that's okay because I'm held by the God of the universe. He loves me more than anyone else could. So I'm trusting him, that in His time everything will make sense.

The Measure of a Man

"A man is only as good as his word"

Do you keep your word? I mean honestly think about it. Do you mean the things you say to others? Do you follow through on the promises you make? Unfortunately most of the time, we don't. As humans we fail on a daily basis. We lie and go back on our word and just all around fail at being true. Lately, I've been more and more frustrated with people who either lie or don't keep their word. It's more and more seemingly like people don't mind telling people things and then not following through. The worse part about this whole thing is when you call somebody out on not keeping their word and they don't have any guilt about it. 

It's hard in times like this not to open the door to dangerous thoughts of self-worth and identity. It's like Satan knows my weakness and jumps in with thoughts of "You're not good enough for the truth." "Nobody cares about you." I struggle so much with being accepted by peers and this kind of attitude is rages war on my soul. I've realized throughout all of this that I can't fight these battles on my own. I am just as sinful and imperfect as the people who hurt me. I have to lean fully on the grace of God to combat these unhealthy thoughts. 

Immersing myself in scripture and falling on my face before the Lord is the only thing I know to do at this point. I've tried to get over it on my own and deal with this situation as best as I know how but I've been failing miserably. Clinging to the Lord and constantly reminding myself that He ALWAYS keeps His promises. Regardless of how much people around me change our God never does! He's ALWAYS faithful!